Love Her Mother

       This week we addressed the hard topic of divorce. Many if not all Americans have seen how difficult divorce can be on families and individuals. So how do we try to avoid such things in our own lives? We talked a lot about how negative patterns can develop in relationships. These patterns don’t lead to finding “who is at fault” rather they show that many problems in family life occur from habits or acting on natural instincts that in effect hurt someone else without us even realizing it. Patterns can unfortunately follow an individual from one marriage into another. One way to prevent divorce or another divorce is recognizing these patterns, accepting it is pointless to put the blame on someone, and working out how to break that pattern.

       I believe one way that helps our children avoid the pains of divorce is showing them the joys of a happy marriage. Because there are so many examples, even in the media, of unhealthy relationships it’s our responsibility to help build their trust that they can find someone who will love them unconditionally. Elaine S. Dalton a leader of young women in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints once said that the best thing you could do for your daughter (talking to fathers) is love her mother. I love this video that was made regarding her words of wisdom… https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/love-her-mother-1

       For more information on how Mormon’s view divorce see…

https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/marriage-and-divorce-1

What kids really want

              One of my favorite things we talked about on the topic of parenting was Michael Popkin’s explanation of “Mistaken Approaches”. Michael Popkins is the founder of a program called Active Parenting that helps educate parents about raising their children. Popkins points out that there are many needs a child has, however they themselves do not always even recognize these needs. When we as parents do not recognize these needs as well our children could act in ways they don’t intend to be harmful in order to meet those needs. For example every child and teenager needs physical contact and a feeling of belonging. Teens sometimes may act like they don’t need this, but they desire it more than they realize. When these needs are not met children often act out in ways that parents tend to label as “attention seeking”. This is what Popkins would call a “mistaken approach”. Instead of writing off these acts as attention seeking he would encourage parents to recognize the unmet need and fill it. In this case providing physical contact and giving the child opportunities to feel like they belong would help fill that need. Many of these misunderstandings are where conflicts arise between parent and child. As we step back and think of our child’s needs we can then better understand why they act the way they do. In effect we can better parent according to those needs.

Working Together

                How we have worked as families has changed dramatically since the Industrial Revolution.  Families used to work very closely together teaching their children the trade. Farming families for example each had responsibilities from a young age. This made it so that the whole family was together for most of the day and everyone knew what the work was like. In today’s world we have most fathers leaving the home for most of the day for work. Often even the mothers are leaving to work a different job as well. When/if the entire family reunites that evening they have all gone in different directions and had very different experiences during the day. This dramatic change has effected how close we are as families. Recognizing this change though can help us to find ways to bring our family together in work.

                I remember as a kid waking up on Saturday mornings with my parents asking me to get involved in a family cleaning project. Being a stubborn little kid I would try to find a little project on my own that had nothing to do with what the rest of the family was doing. In hind sight I am glad that my parents encouraged me to be involved with what the rest of the family was doing. There are great lessons of unity that can be learned as we work together. 

Five Principles of Family Councils

            I really enjoyed reading Elder Russel M. Ballard’s talk, “Strength in Councils” during this week’s focus on family councils. Our whole church on every level is based on methods of counseling so that we can come to know God’s will because He is the ultimate authority.  These principles can even be brought down to the family level if we take time as a family to meet and discuss important topics with the intent of coming to consensus. In his talk Elder Ballard identified five key elements of successful families.

First, focus on fundamentals.

            I have found this to be a true principle in other areas of my life like practicing music, so I was interested to see how this could apply to family councils. Keeping a focus in general in councils can have a big impact because staying on task can determine if you ever do make it to a unified decision.

Second, focus on people.

            I loved being in ward councils on my mission where the focus was helping other people. I think in families if we go into our decision making with the perspective of how can this help the other members of my family we will be more humble. It also brings a mutual purpose that we can be unified under.

Third, promote free and open expression.

            This principle is taught in the scriptures and also by just about every communication specialist. If we want to end in a real consensus we need to know everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If we don’t end in consensus we may not have everyone’s total support when it’s time for action. We may also miss some very important spiritual insights.

And finally promoting free expression from everyone shows love and concern for individual family members.

 Fourth, participation is a privilege. 

Elder Ballard emphasized the point that in these kinds of meetings it is our responsibility to be prepared, share, and advocate vigorously the position you believe to be right. In order for this to even be possible in family councils we need to have an agenda prepared in advance. If that is too organized, we should at least make sure that when big topics need to be addressed everyone has time to prepare.

Fifth, lead with love. 

            I think this particular point ties well back to the scripture we talked about in class. D&C 121 43-44 explain that we should reprove, “betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.” Emotions can be very strong during these councils and so showing love is extremely important.

Coping Differently, but Together

                This week we discussed many of the challenges that come with trying to cope with stress as a whole family. One of the point that was brought out that I really appreciated was that individual family members cope with things differently. As I’ve started studying how children cope with things I can see this to be very true. For the most part kids are very resilient. I remember when my sister died my parents asked me if I wanted to go to school the next day. I was very sad about my sister passing and for a moment staying at home with my family sounded like a great idea, but then my child desires kicked in as I thought about all the things I would miss at recess staying at home. I chose to go to school. This could have come across as insensitive to an adult, because it’s not the same way many of us would cope, but it truly wasn’t what I needed as a child.

                We can cope ahead by thinking about how others in our family cope with stress. This can start with seeing how they deal with even the little day to day stressors from the way we do. Elder Hales, a member of the quorum of the twelve apostles, suggested that while dating we take note of how our potential partner deals with stress. This can help us know if they deal with it in a way we can handle. It can also help us see how we could react in a constructive way to their coping.

                If we accept that everyone in our family will cope differently and act respectfully to those differences we can actually come closer together as a whole.

Emotional Affairs

                This week in class we talked about different aspects of intimacy in marriage. We also read about different kinds of affairs that can occur in a marriage. Yes, there can be more than the obvious. I think sometimes the reason why there are so many divorces today is because we are not aware of or do not accept that there can be multiple types of affairs. Yet the effects are the same, they all damage marriage by ruining trust and fidelity. One common kind of affair that I see often in movies is emotional affairs. An emotional affair is when one partner goes to someone besides their spouse for emotional support. One Christian movie that shows how easy it can be to slip into an emotional affair is called “Fireproof”. When things get hard within the marriage it was much easier for the wife to turn to a co-worker that seemed to care more about her life than her husband. Many times the media can make these types of affairs or the things that lead up to them appear as no big deal. In fact they even romanticize them. The harsh truth is these emotional affairs are very destructive and are often not satisfying. I really appreciated this list of things we can do to prevent emotional affairs in our relationships.

Wise Walls

•  Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

•  Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative.

This develops deep levels of intimacy.

•  If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about

your own marriage.

•  Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do

need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the

marriage.

•  Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

•  When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a

bed.

•  If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you

bring your spouse along.

•  If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

•  Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

•  Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

(INFIDELITY: PROTECTING OUR MARRIAGES. Scott Gardner & Christian Greiner)

Putting these boundaries around our marriage can save our families and prevent unnecessary pain.

Setting Patterns Through Weddings

I remember hearing once in a movie once a person clarify that a girl didn’t want a marriage she wanted a wedding. I had always thought of the two as so closely related I hadn’t put much thought into the fact that they were separate. A wedding is simply the event in which two people get married. 

In America this tends to be a very large event on average costing around $27,000. A marriage on the other hand is the commitment we make.

Although separate, there are some good reasons why one leads to the other. If we think of weddings as the spring board to marriage we can see how weddings can set our marriage up for success. There is much that needs to be done for a wedding and many opportunities to set healthy patterns for a marriage. Here are some examples…

-Taking the time to plan together. For the most part during dating men do the planning or maybe you took turns. However planning a big event together hasn’t happened yet. This can be a great experience to help you see how you best work together in planning for future events. So make sure the husband is involved verses the mothers or girlfriends.

-Budgeting. This is also probably one of the first big events a couple will have to budget for. Choosing to only use your own budget and make it work will set that same pattern for the rest of your marriage.

-Quality time. With the little things that need to be done, invitations sent, decorations set up, food picked out, etc. there can be several opportunities for quality time. These things can be stressful in today’s society. This can be a chance for couples to set their priorities straight in making sure they care more about quality time than stressing over the small stuff.

-There are also many chances of running into crucial conversations. Authors of “Crucial Conversations” Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, define this type of conversation as having high stakes, strong emotions, and varying opinions. The couples may have had perspectives on how their wedding would be for a very long time. Not to mention all of the family members and friends opinions of how the wedding should be. There are many times when the stakes can be high with these close relationships at stake. It can be very beneficial for the couple to experience having these conversations together, with others as a couple, or supporting their fiancé while they have these conversations on their own. In general there are many stressful situations in wedding planning that can help the couple realize how they deal with stress.

…These are just a few idea’s there are many many more. I’ll leave it up to your own imagination to see how not doing these things could lead to unhealthy marriage patterns. It may be harder and not fulfill the American ideal to plan a wedding this way, but it is a way that will build our marriages for the better. And isn’t marriage what weddings are all about?

The P’s of Dating and Marriage

What will determine our family relationships? One place we can start is at the beginning; dating. The relationships we build and choose to foster can be a big indicator as to how our future family relationships will unfold.

Elder Oaks encouraged that dating is the way we should seek for a spouse. This is what prepares us for marriage. Dating can often be mixed up with hanging out so to clarify he said, “A ‘date’ must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off.” (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng)

When we compare these three P’s to three other P’s often highlighted as the men’s responsibility in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” we can see very interesting connections.

Definition of Dating                                               The Family Proclamation (Note: A document defining marriage)

11)      Planned ahead                                                                                      Preside

22)      Paid for                                                                                                Provide

33)      Paired off                                                                                             Protect

When done the way we have been counseled dating prepares us for marriage!

1 1) It takes a lot of effort for boys to plan things. This preparation helps them to become a better presider of the home.

22)   Most young adults in their dating years are fairly broke. For one to show that they can pay for a date with the means that they have proves an ability and desire to provide for a future family.

3    3)  It takes much more commitment to pair off than simply hang out with a bunch of friends. Going on a date with one specific person can bring a sense of responsibility. This attribute will be highly needed as a father preparing to protect his family.

Not only does this prepare us for marriage, but it helps us identify who is ready for marriage. And even beyond that it can help us decide who would be a good fit for us.

I found this connection very insightful. I believe that God has called inspired prophets to lead us today. The council they give us is based off of universal truths evident in many things. Heavenly Father has a plan to prepare us for the most important things in this life.

Voice(s) of Hope

This week in class we talked about gender roles and same-sex attraction.

I know that this is a pretty touchy subject and hope not to offend. I know I have the tendency to talk about homosexuality as an unwanted trait and that is simply due to the fact that the people I have really talked to about it are those who didn’t want to be homosexual and their experiences overcoming it.

There has been a big debate about whether homosexuality can be something you are born with. For our class we read an article that discussed many of the studies done to see if there could be an identifiable gene related to the tendency of having same-sex attraction. Although there were some correlations many of the studies done had multiple variables making it hard to determine how accurate the results were. I imagine it would be frustrating for those who have same sex attraction to be told it was their choice when some truly never wanted it in the first place.

An interesting relationship has been found that those who are homosexual tend to have had experiences being abused, abandoned (typically by a father figure), or bullied. Keeping this in mind and thinking back to lectures on Nature vs. Nurture it makes sense to me that there is an element of both. That we could have genetic tendency that are brought out depending on our circumstances (such as trauma)

I relate it to my anxiety (Although I know they are different). I don’t doubt that there was probably an innate factor in my genetics that made me more susceptible to anxiety. However, I also don’t doubt that my early exposure to death of loved ones increased my anxiety and brought it out as bigger attribute in my personality. I wouldn’t have chosen to live with anxiety. It feels like it is innate. But, just because something is innate doesn’t mean that we have to live with it if we don’t want to.

More than anything the take away for me is that I hope people know the strong relationship between same-sex attraction and traumatic/abusive experiences. It puts a different light on the whole situation when we realize that some of these people have been seriously hurt in their lives. Whether they choose to live out their homosexuality or not I hope we all can treat them with the love deserve.

(I have met a few of these people and many with similar stories to these when I attended the "Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in Provo 2013. I have found their experiences to be enlightening and would highly recommend listening to them… http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voices.php)

Families and Immigration: Effects on Relationships

Overall this week in Family Relations we talked about how Socioeconomic Status effects families. We also took a closer look at how Mexican families were effected in the process of coming to America illegally. A very specific element class this week stuck out to me because I could connect it with other things I had learned in different classes.

We found in talking about research done on Mexican families that there was a common rift between parents and teenage children. The pattern seemed to be that the parents would decide to come to the US so their children could have more opportunities. The parents would then make several sacrifices to come to the US including being separated as a family for years at a time, saving a significant amount of money to cross the border, and then also working less desirable jobs once arriving in the US. The children on the other hand are seeing the sacrifices made and making sacrifices of their own being far from extended family and trying to fit into a new environment. At this point I think about how in my parenting classes we’ve talked about needing to keep in my children’s developmental perspective when communicating with them. I could easily see a teen complaining in a situation like this. It would be a natural and almost reflexive response as a parent to combat complaining with reminding them that all the sacrifices they are making are for the teen’s future. This is one contributor to the contention found between parents and teens in this situation.

Possible things that would help parents in this situation would be to have a family council about the decision to leave in the first place. It’s easier for kids to accept a big change if they fell like they were a part of the decision making process. A big decision like this parent may want to make on their own for the benefit of the children. In that case it would be helpful if the parents kept in mind while their children are complaining that they don’t have the perspective adults do because of their age, not just because they’re being bratty. It’s then also good to use emotion coaching by focusing on how the child feels and empathizing instead of making them feel guilty for all of the sacrifices they are not appreciating. 

Being "Intentional"

This week my family relations class has reminded me often of the beginning of “The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting” by Lawrence Steinberg that I am reading for my Parenting class. Specifically Steinberg talks about “Intentional Parenting” (pg. 10). To me this means that what the parents have a plan of action, they know how that is going to affect their kids, and they pay attention to how relationships and individuals are doing.

I am not a parent, but this week in family relations I’ve felt the need to apply this to my roles in my current family. By being an “intentional sister” or “intentional daughter”. I’m certainly not raising other people in my family, but I do effect their happiness, growth, and overall well being in many ways.

Family Systems Theory

                The family systems theory is one thing we focused on this week. People who believe in this theory focus on the family as a whole unit. They think that no one person is a cause to all problems and that in order to help one individual you must help the entire unit. If this is the case then that means you, me, everyone who plays a role in a family are very important. The ways I react, communicate, or habits I have can affect my entire family.

Feedback Loops

                One of my favorite things I’ve learned from this class is identifying feedback loops. Feedback loops are cycles of behavior that occur in families often unnoticed. It’s hard to identify who started the cycle, but it’s clear to see that one family member’s actions lead to another’s, and another’s.

For example let’s look at Cinderella’s family. Cinderella’s step mother had a cold personality grieving over being a widow twice à Cinderella remembers she was taught to always be kind even to those who are not à Cinderella’s kindness makes her Step Mother feel worse about who she is à Cinderella’s Step Mother punishes her with chores à and then we go back to Cinderella remembers she was taught to always be kind even to those who are not.

                Cycles like these can harm relationships and effect the entire family system. The bright side is this same principle can be used to obtain desired actions and healthy relationships. I hope that I can be a more “intentional sister and daughter” by taking a step back and seeing if there are any feedback loops I am a part of that are effecting my family negatively and then change my actions accordingly.

The First Post!

INTRODUCTION

My name is Melissa Davies. Just some basic background about me I am from California in the Bay Area. I came to BYU-Idaho originally as a Music major wanting to go into Music Therapy. I then served a mission in Fort Worth Texas. There I learned about the career of being a Child Life Specialist (they work in hospitals helping children cope with stress. This is one of my favorite videos showing what they do… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTcklclPAsI&feature=youtu.be). Helping children cope with traumatic experiences has always been my long term goal so this career was a perfect fit. I am now back at BYU-Idaho majoring in Marriage and Family Studies. My hope is that with this educational background I can bring the perspective of working with the whole family system into the hospital.

PURPOSE OF THE BLOG

The purpose of this blog is to share with you the insights I have gained from my Family Relations class here at BYU-Idaho. If you don’t know about BYU-Idaho, it is a school founded by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as Mormons). Many of the things we talk about in class are related to the religion. I will try to make sure I explain everything that others not familiar with this church would not know.

DISCLAIMER

I’m very excited to start this blog, but a little nervous too. I tend to be the person who doesn’t raise their hand in class until they think they have something important and well formulated to say. Knowing that I can’t be a perfectionist with this assignment bothers me, but I’ll make it through assuming that you will be understanding of my faults. I know that I am no expert at this field and may stand corrected many times. So take this blog for what it is a student with no authority stating their developing opinion on family matters J