Working Together

                How we have worked as families has changed dramatically since the Industrial Revolution.  Families used to work very closely together teaching their children the trade. Farming families for example each had responsibilities from a young age. This made it so that the whole family was together for most of the day and everyone knew what the work was like. In today’s world we have most fathers leaving the home for most of the day for work. Often even the mothers are leaving to work a different job as well. When/if the entire family reunites that evening they have all gone in different directions and had very different experiences during the day. This dramatic change has effected how close we are as families. Recognizing this change though can help us to find ways to bring our family together in work.

                I remember as a kid waking up on Saturday mornings with my parents asking me to get involved in a family cleaning project. Being a stubborn little kid I would try to find a little project on my own that had nothing to do with what the rest of the family was doing. In hind sight I am glad that my parents encouraged me to be involved with what the rest of the family was doing. There are great lessons of unity that can be learned as we work together. 

Five Principles of Family Councils

            I really enjoyed reading Elder Russel M. Ballard’s talk, “Strength in Councils” during this week’s focus on family councils. Our whole church on every level is based on methods of counseling so that we can come to know God’s will because He is the ultimate authority.  These principles can even be brought down to the family level if we take time as a family to meet and discuss important topics with the intent of coming to consensus. In his talk Elder Ballard identified five key elements of successful families.

First, focus on fundamentals.

            I have found this to be a true principle in other areas of my life like practicing music, so I was interested to see how this could apply to family councils. Keeping a focus in general in councils can have a big impact because staying on task can determine if you ever do make it to a unified decision.

Second, focus on people.

            I loved being in ward councils on my mission where the focus was helping other people. I think in families if we go into our decision making with the perspective of how can this help the other members of my family we will be more humble. It also brings a mutual purpose that we can be unified under.

Third, promote free and open expression.

            This principle is taught in the scriptures and also by just about every communication specialist. If we want to end in a real consensus we need to know everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If we don’t end in consensus we may not have everyone’s total support when it’s time for action. We may also miss some very important spiritual insights.

And finally promoting free expression from everyone shows love and concern for individual family members.

 Fourth, participation is a privilege. 

Elder Ballard emphasized the point that in these kinds of meetings it is our responsibility to be prepared, share, and advocate vigorously the position you believe to be right. In order for this to even be possible in family councils we need to have an agenda prepared in advance. If that is too organized, we should at least make sure that when big topics need to be addressed everyone has time to prepare.

Fifth, lead with love. 

            I think this particular point ties well back to the scripture we talked about in class. D&C 121 43-44 explain that we should reprove, “betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.” Emotions can be very strong during these councils and so showing love is extremely important.

Coping Differently, but Together

                This week we discussed many of the challenges that come with trying to cope with stress as a whole family. One of the point that was brought out that I really appreciated was that individual family members cope with things differently. As I’ve started studying how children cope with things I can see this to be very true. For the most part kids are very resilient. I remember when my sister died my parents asked me if I wanted to go to school the next day. I was very sad about my sister passing and for a moment staying at home with my family sounded like a great idea, but then my child desires kicked in as I thought about all the things I would miss at recess staying at home. I chose to go to school. This could have come across as insensitive to an adult, because it’s not the same way many of us would cope, but it truly wasn’t what I needed as a child.

                We can cope ahead by thinking about how others in our family cope with stress. This can start with seeing how they deal with even the little day to day stressors from the way we do. Elder Hales, a member of the quorum of the twelve apostles, suggested that while dating we take note of how our potential partner deals with stress. This can help us know if they deal with it in a way we can handle. It can also help us see how we could react in a constructive way to their coping.

                If we accept that everyone in our family will cope differently and act respectfully to those differences we can actually come closer together as a whole.

Emotional Affairs

                This week in class we talked about different aspects of intimacy in marriage. We also read about different kinds of affairs that can occur in a marriage. Yes, there can be more than the obvious. I think sometimes the reason why there are so many divorces today is because we are not aware of or do not accept that there can be multiple types of affairs. Yet the effects are the same, they all damage marriage by ruining trust and fidelity. One common kind of affair that I see often in movies is emotional affairs. An emotional affair is when one partner goes to someone besides their spouse for emotional support. One Christian movie that shows how easy it can be to slip into an emotional affair is called “Fireproof”. When things get hard within the marriage it was much easier for the wife to turn to a co-worker that seemed to care more about her life than her husband. Many times the media can make these types of affairs or the things that lead up to them appear as no big deal. In fact they even romanticize them. The harsh truth is these emotional affairs are very destructive and are often not satisfying. I really appreciated this list of things we can do to prevent emotional affairs in our relationships.

Wise Walls

•  Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

•  Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative.

This develops deep levels of intimacy.

•  If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about

your own marriage.

•  Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do

need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the

marriage.

•  Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

•  When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a

bed.

•  If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you

bring your spouse along.

•  If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

•  Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

•  Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

(INFIDELITY: PROTECTING OUR MARRIAGES. Scott Gardner & Christian Greiner)

Putting these boundaries around our marriage can save our families and prevent unnecessary pain.

Setting Patterns Through Weddings

I remember hearing once in a movie once a person clarify that a girl didn’t want a marriage she wanted a wedding. I had always thought of the two as so closely related I hadn’t put much thought into the fact that they were separate. A wedding is simply the event in which two people get married. 

In America this tends to be a very large event on average costing around $27,000. A marriage on the other hand is the commitment we make.

Although separate, there are some good reasons why one leads to the other. If we think of weddings as the spring board to marriage we can see how weddings can set our marriage up for success. There is much that needs to be done for a wedding and many opportunities to set healthy patterns for a marriage. Here are some examples…

-Taking the time to plan together. For the most part during dating men do the planning or maybe you took turns. However planning a big event together hasn’t happened yet. This can be a great experience to help you see how you best work together in planning for future events. So make sure the husband is involved verses the mothers or girlfriends.

-Budgeting. This is also probably one of the first big events a couple will have to budget for. Choosing to only use your own budget and make it work will set that same pattern for the rest of your marriage.

-Quality time. With the little things that need to be done, invitations sent, decorations set up, food picked out, etc. there can be several opportunities for quality time. These things can be stressful in today’s society. This can be a chance for couples to set their priorities straight in making sure they care more about quality time than stressing over the small stuff.

-There are also many chances of running into crucial conversations. Authors of “Crucial Conversations” Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, define this type of conversation as having high stakes, strong emotions, and varying opinions. The couples may have had perspectives on how their wedding would be for a very long time. Not to mention all of the family members and friends opinions of how the wedding should be. There are many times when the stakes can be high with these close relationships at stake. It can be very beneficial for the couple to experience having these conversations together, with others as a couple, or supporting their fiancé while they have these conversations on their own. In general there are many stressful situations in wedding planning that can help the couple realize how they deal with stress.

…These are just a few idea’s there are many many more. I’ll leave it up to your own imagination to see how not doing these things could lead to unhealthy marriage patterns. It may be harder and not fulfill the American ideal to plan a wedding this way, but it is a way that will build our marriages for the better. And isn’t marriage what weddings are all about?

The P’s of Dating and Marriage

What will determine our family relationships? One place we can start is at the beginning; dating. The relationships we build and choose to foster can be a big indicator as to how our future family relationships will unfold.

Elder Oaks encouraged that dating is the way we should seek for a spouse. This is what prepares us for marriage. Dating can often be mixed up with hanging out so to clarify he said, “A ‘date’ must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off.” (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng)

When we compare these three P’s to three other P’s often highlighted as the men’s responsibility in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” we can see very interesting connections.

Definition of Dating                                               The Family Proclamation (Note: A document defining marriage)

11)      Planned ahead                                                                                      Preside

22)      Paid for                                                                                                Provide

33)      Paired off                                                                                             Protect

When done the way we have been counseled dating prepares us for marriage!

1 1) It takes a lot of effort for boys to plan things. This preparation helps them to become a better presider of the home.

22)   Most young adults in their dating years are fairly broke. For one to show that they can pay for a date with the means that they have proves an ability and desire to provide for a future family.

3    3)  It takes much more commitment to pair off than simply hang out with a bunch of friends. Going on a date with one specific person can bring a sense of responsibility. This attribute will be highly needed as a father preparing to protect his family.

Not only does this prepare us for marriage, but it helps us identify who is ready for marriage. And even beyond that it can help us decide who would be a good fit for us.

I found this connection very insightful. I believe that God has called inspired prophets to lead us today. The council they give us is based off of universal truths evident in many things. Heavenly Father has a plan to prepare us for the most important things in this life.

Voice(s) of Hope

This week in class we talked about gender roles and same-sex attraction.

I know that this is a pretty touchy subject and hope not to offend. I know I have the tendency to talk about homosexuality as an unwanted trait and that is simply due to the fact that the people I have really talked to about it are those who didn’t want to be homosexual and their experiences overcoming it.

There has been a big debate about whether homosexuality can be something you are born with. For our class we read an article that discussed many of the studies done to see if there could be an identifiable gene related to the tendency of having same-sex attraction. Although there were some correlations many of the studies done had multiple variables making it hard to determine how accurate the results were. I imagine it would be frustrating for those who have same sex attraction to be told it was their choice when some truly never wanted it in the first place.

An interesting relationship has been found that those who are homosexual tend to have had experiences being abused, abandoned (typically by a father figure), or bullied. Keeping this in mind and thinking back to lectures on Nature vs. Nurture it makes sense to me that there is an element of both. That we could have genetic tendency that are brought out depending on our circumstances (such as trauma)

I relate it to my anxiety (Although I know they are different). I don’t doubt that there was probably an innate factor in my genetics that made me more susceptible to anxiety. However, I also don’t doubt that my early exposure to death of loved ones increased my anxiety and brought it out as bigger attribute in my personality. I wouldn’t have chosen to live with anxiety. It feels like it is innate. But, just because something is innate doesn’t mean that we have to live with it if we don’t want to.

More than anything the take away for me is that I hope people know the strong relationship between same-sex attraction and traumatic/abusive experiences. It puts a different light on the whole situation when we realize that some of these people have been seriously hurt in their lives. Whether they choose to live out their homosexuality or not I hope we all can treat them with the love deserve.

(I have met a few of these people and many with similar stories to these when I attended the "Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in Provo 2013. I have found their experiences to be enlightening and would highly recommend listening to them… http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voices.php)